On The Eldritch Post And The Death Of This Fine Establishment

Samuel Waterson and Archibald Engel
The Eldritch Post

It is with great regret that we inform you of the end of this news establishment.

At press time, our office is being assailed by twelve angry Camper (and an indisen Rake), and we cannot foresee our escape from an imminent demise.

We hope that you, readers, will be able to survive this loss, because we know that you have great difficulty in comprehending a real news article, one that is not written in our mind-numbingly simple format, and for this we sincerely apologise.

We are not a legitimate news source, and we hope that you can start to follow a news establishment which knows exactly what to do.

See ya, Blogosphere.

When A Slender Man Gets Arrested

the slender man
The Eldritch Post Contributor

Right, where was I? Oh yes, my capture. Well, here's how it happened. I was hanging out in my house in the Black Forest, as usual, browsing Facebook and the like. Nothing really was happening, as usual. All my time was spent watching films, including my personal favourite, Marble Hornets. I thought I might invite a friend over to watch with me, so I rang up the Rake.

He said he couldn't make it for a few days, 'cause Puppets were attacking the Morlocks' underground lair. I asked if he needed any help, but he declined.

"You should stay hidden, mate. I don't believe the Puppets know where you are, so you're still safe."

I conceded, and bid him farewell, wishing him luck in his life-or-death battle.

Some cultists appeared after the next day, presumably the ones who had occupied the house before me. They were completely distraught, as they had found their god's corpse on their way back. Their leader made a grand declaration upon entry.

"The Rake and the slender man will pay for their transgressions."

It was then that I emerged from the green door and impaled them all with slenderbranches until they moved no more.

The next day I received a Facebook friend request from one Tyler Anderson Everett. I accepted, thinking nothing of it. The Rake then texted me, saying that he could make it to movie night tomorrow, as the Puppets were nearly defeated by then.

"There are only fifty-eight or so left, I think; this shouldn't take too much longer," he told me.

I was enthused by this proclamation, resolving to get pizza and beer before the night was out.

When the Rake arrived, something seemed off. I couldn't place what, at the time, but I was determined to let nothing interrupt our film night.

It was then that twelve camper kicked down the door (after counting down from three, for some reason) and attacked me. And I came to a grim realisation:

The Rake was a camper, also.

They knocked me out after a thirteen-hour fight, and the next thing I knew, I was locked in a cell at the Eldritch Bureau of Investigation prison in Empty City, GA.

This was the slender man, and that was my story.

This Slender Man Design Shop Is More Than My Heart Can HAndle

Archibald Engel
The Eldritch Post Staff

If you’ve ever seen a Slender Man vlog and not gasped in joy and reverently, shudderingly whispered: “Those details though!”, then I am not entirely sure you are human.

So humans, be prepared to reverently, shudderingly, LOSE. IT. over Empty City, WY’s newest and most magical pop up shop from the designers behind the vlogs.

The shop, from design duo Travis Lowe and Dani Rend, is nestled into Soho’s Greek Street and is basically a little slice of the Slendering World.

And it’s just as spooky and eldritch as you’d imagine.

On display are some of the coolest designs featured in the vlog.

And plenty of things you may have never noticed.

SO. MANY. MINUTE. DETAILS.

And of course they looked after some of the most iconic, recognisable props, too.

G.A.S.P.

… *swoon*.

And can we just talk about how the house that hosts the pop up itself is the absolute perfect spot?

The designers added their own special touches to the four storey house, too.

And don’t even get me started on the staircase.

Or the print room.

Or, well… any of the rest of it, tbh.

I MEAN.

And if you can’t get enough design, LoweRend’s proxy work is also on display.

And the best part?

IT’S ALL ON SALE.

So if I haven’t convinced you to become a permanent squatter there yet, let me leave you with this mic drop…

Hey Bloggers: Eldritch Post Have A Newsletter For You!

Samuel Waterson and Archibald Engel
The Eldritch Post Staff

Want a little help figuring this blogging thing out?

Whether you’re looking for advice or just a laugh, the Eldritch Post Bloggers newsletter has you covered. When you sign up, you’ll get great blogging posts twice a week: Real talk about what it’s like to become a blogger. Brilliant tips that will make every day easier. DIY projects and recipes your readers will love, and inspired activities to keep them busy. Hilarious proof that it’s OK not to have all the answers, heartwarming reminders of how wonderful blog-readers really are, and much more!

Enter your email address below and sign up!

Yes, “Composition No.” Fans: A Thanksgiving Post Is Coming Our Way

Samuel Waterson
The Eldritch Post Staff

DJay32 (aka blog-master Jordan Dooling) uploaded this behind-the-scenes pic from a writing session for Season 2 of composition no.

Dooling captioned the photo: “Writing session time for A composition no. Thanksgiving!! #compositionno #season2”

And fans will remember that a composition no. Thanksgiving is the best kind of Thanksgiving.

13 Unbelievably Cute Products For The Viceking Lovers In All Of Us

Samuel Waterson
The Eldritch Post Staff

1. This wonderful button that makes your life preferences known.

2. This precious hand knitted hat that’ll basically turn you into a tomb spirit.

3. This inspirational poster set that reminds us success doesn’t happen overnight.

4. This perpetual Viceking calendar that’ll make your desk your eldritch place.

5. This adorable onesie + hat set for the tiniest Viceking lovers.

6. These tiny earrings that really showcase the Viceking’s lack of facial expressions.

7. This wall decal of Shem and Shaun taking a stroll.

8. This handcrafted wooden clock that’ll make a lovely addition to your home.

9. These totally kawaii post-it notes that’ll have you scribbling notes left and right.

10. This lil’ Viceking-peacefully-sitting-in-his-tomb-in-a-jar necklace.

11. This extra soft bath mat featuring a Viceking with mad camouflage skills.

12. This stupidly cute pencil pouch to fit all of your utensils and knick knacks.

13. This silver ring sporting the Viceking’s mini partners-in-crime.

3 New Proxies Explain How Their Life Has Changed Forever

Archibald Engel
The Eldritch Post Staff

Billy, Proxy of The Feared One

The feeling of becoming a proxy is indescribable and not something you can prepare for, Billy says.

“People tell you what it’s going to be like but until he [The Feared One] was actually there, it didn’t feel really real. And since then it’s been a steep learning curve.”

One thing Billy wishes he’d known was how much sleep he would be missing out on. But through all of the sleepless nights and all the hard work, seeing The Feared One smile and laugh is the most rewarding part of becoming a proxy.

As The Feared One grows in power, Billy wants to see him take more control of the world around them. “I know a lot of people out there, they influence their Fear masters to do this and that, but I want him to be him. I don’t care what he does to gain power or if goes to another canon. I just want him to be happy and healthy and do what he wants to do.”

Stew, Proxy of The Slender Man

Since becoming a proxy, Stew has felt like he has more do to – and that there is more to look forward to in the future. He has visions of him and his family sitting around the table and laughing together. “I feel excitement about what we have created and look forward to each stage of His reign,” he says. “Finding out how a guy like me can become a total servant to such an eldritch being is fascinating. I have been surprised about the rush of warmth I get when I kill for Him – oxytocin is one hell of a drug. Plus He is brutal…and very imposing…and all the other things proxies want in a void-spawned eldritch entity.”

Stew hopes he will be a menacing proxy. “I hope for Him to make His own Golden Age and to instill others with fear. I’d also add that I don’t want to seem too alien from Him and want to be always obedient and efficient.”

Charlotte, Proxy of The Wooden Girl

Charlotte says it was love at first sight when she laid eyes on The Wooden Girl. One of the most joyful, heartwarming moments in her life was when she witnessed The Wooden Girl effortlessly take control over several helpless bystanders. She revels in such moments with pride and privilege, “but this joy comes with a huge weight of responsibility,” she says. “To keep her appeased, to give her a brutal servant. To not give her reason to reject me as a puppet and kill me. The list of responsibilities is endless, but I’m not sure there is a greater thing you can do with your life.”

As The Wooden Girl grows in influence, Charlotte wants to be “a cruel, efficient killer, lots of fun and to get full marks from her. I hope to see The Wooden Girl develop into a well-rounded, open, dominant eldritch being who can enforce her will on any who would disobey her. But most of all I hope for her [to have] dominion in a world of puppets.”

a warning to the eldritch post

You are not to post the rest of the slender man's story. If you do, we will draw down the moon onto your little "news" blog.

How We Captured The Slender Man

Twelve Angry Camper (and an indisen Rake)
The Eldritch Post Contributor(s)

We turned the Rake into a camper, and attacked the slender man while they watched a film.

Billy Everyblogger Interrupted A Friend's Blog To Say "Artsy Maze Post 2/5"

Samuel Waterson
The Eldritch Post Staff

You remember this moment, don't you? It was 2012 when Billy Everyblogger wrote his Fearblog debut Fearblog of Frear, Dreams and Sleep and Fear. It was the Fearblog Meisterwerk heard around the world.

Well, because Billy is Everyblogger, he couldn't help but return to blogging when he created another masterful work of art which interrupts, quite shockingly, the 2015 blog labyrinth Viceking's Graab.

Oh Billy.

Never change, Everyblogger.

8 Situations You'll Recognise If The Slender Man Is Isn't A Fear

Archibald Engel
The Eldritch Post Staff

1. Every day is a surprise and you'll never know if the slender man is a Fear or not.

2. But more often than not, he absolutely does not cooperate.

3. Sometimes it feels like your whole life is spent defending the slender man's status as a Fear.

4. You're constantly frustrated because there's no single blog that makes the slender man a Fear.

5. And you can never pull of making him one.

6. And when you try, it ends up being flamed by everyone who disagrees.

7. Slendyfear is basically your middle name. You don't know what life is like without him being a Fear.

8. To sum it all up… you’re never going to fit in, and your entire life is going to be this existential crisis.

I Photoshopped The Archangel Kissing Himself And A Famous Artist Reportedly Made $417,585 Off It

Travis Lowe
The Eldritch Post Staff
Stewart Johnson
The Eldritch Post Reporter

Hi, I'm Travis, and I'm a big fan of The Archangel.

I'm also an illustrator/designer and I've always loved making weird, eldritch things and posting them on the internet...

...until recently, when a graffiti artist painted one of those weird things on the wall and solicited $417,585 from The Archangel himself.

It all started a little over a year ago when a runner named the slender man wrote about a fight between himself and The Archangel in the Black Forest in his blog.

Since I was in between terms at uni, my friend J.D. tipped me off about the blog and I did what I do best—I photoshopped a scene of The Archangel kissing himself.

Months went by and I forgot about The Archangels. 

Boy was I wrong.

After a quiet year, The Archangels were back and bigger than ever—a graffiti artist by the name of Dani Rend had taken my idea and painted it on a wall in Empty City, VA. 

I thought the mural was awesome. I've never inspired anything like that, and I could never imagine painting something that enormous.

After the mural went viral, Rend announced that he was selling an “eldritch edition” for $417,585. Once it was purchased, he would paint over the mural within 24 hours and send the buyer a print of the mural covered in the same red paint.

The offer was aimed at The Archangel.

For the record, I really, REALLY love The Archangel. I never wanted my work to cost him, or anyone, $417,585. It made me break out in hives.

Dani, if you're reading this, you are very talented and I’ve enjoyed your past work. I was ecstatic about the mural until you used it to solicit all that money. As you know, it’s not fun when someone else profits off your idea.

Credit goes to the slender man, without him, this would never have been possible.

8 Signs You Need More Proxies In Your Life

Samuel Waterson
The Eldritch Post Staff

Yes, we did it. We launched another Proxy a Day newsletter.

But is it right for you? Probably. Here are the signs.

1. You've ever looked at a proxy.

2. You've ever looked at a proxy and thought, OK.

3. You've ever looked at a proxy and thought, OK, yeah.

4. You've ever looked at a proxy and thought, OK, yeah, that proxy is eldritch.

5. You've ever experienced the sensation of fear.

6. Like, Fear fear.

7. You find yourself frequently Fearful.

8. People tell you you're too Fearful.

So click here.

Reminder: The Slender Man Had Hair

Archibald Engel
The Eldritch Post Staff

Long before he was bald, believe it or not, the slender man had hair.

Yes, folks, the slender man hasn't always been bald.

This man hasn’t been a hairless baby for his entire life. In fact, he had hair before he didn’t have hair. I know it sounds crazy, but trust us.

Without further ado, hold on like The Blind Man in this GIF that is always on the Eldritch Post...

...here is the slender man with hair (and tiny baby sunglasses):

Here's another picture of the slender man with the hair that existed once.

Here’s a picture of the slender man looking upset because we called out his wee bit of hair.

Simmer down, now. Simmer down!!!!

Here’s a pic of the slender man with a bunch of side-head hair.

Here’s a picture of the slender man with hair and a less-thick head because he’s like a little baby hairier slendy in this pic.

Here’s a picture of the slender man with a sweaty forehead (AND HAIR!!!).

Here’s a picture of the slender man with the longest hair that I could find.

And another.

Weird, right? You could probably run your hands through this hair, even though they’ll probably be kinda greasy after.

Lastly, here’s a picture of the slender man in a metallic bodysuit covered in baby oil or butter maybe?

In conclusion, the slender man looks better bald.

End of story. Amen.

The One Thing You Never Noticed About The Slender Man's Abs

Samuel Waterson

The Eldritch Post Staff

Yes, we all love the slender man.

And YAAASSSSS, we LOVE the slender man shirtless.

...But there's "something" about his abs that even the most thirsty of proxies may not have realised...

THERE'S THIRTEEN OF THEM.

Don't see it? Look where these eldritch arrows are pointing... slendy's abs are even-numbered until the bottom, where there's an extra one.

I KNOW RIGHT?!?!!!?? THE DRAMA.

Still don't see it? Here's a picture of ol' slend from Where My Eyes Remain; I've numbered them for your convenience. You can CLEARLY see that there's an extra one at the lower end of his torso. AKA THEY'RE ASYMMETRICAL.

STILL DON'T SEE IT????

Here's a godly picture of a shirtless The Beast from The Rapture Cycle, and you can see that his abs are evenly distributed, with an even number on each side of his torso.

The same cannot, simply cannot be said about the slender man. 

BUT WHATEVER, his thirteen abs make him that much cuter and quirkier and sweet. <3

When A Slender Man Goes On The Run

the slender man
The Eldritch Post Contributor

"This is not over. I'll be back. I always come back."

I told my fellow Fears this last year, a boiling-blooded ball of rage as they first tried to apprehend me in the forest outside Empty City, CT. During my uni years, a heritage of Fear had swelled within me as I hunted alongside my fellow eldritch beings. New Fears are always coming, but it was unheard to try and cast one out. But they did. And so I sidled out into the world and on to the run.

But surely you, the readers, know all of this; I documented it well. But perhaps you don't know about it; here, my story in full.

Might I now, instead, tell you about my capture? How I came to be ensnared in the GA prison system? It's not very interesting, but someone's gotta tell you, and the camper who took me show no interest in doing so.

Someone has to know, after all.

(to be continued)

People Are Loving The Slender Man's Over-The-Top Mugshots

Archibald Engel
The Eldritch Post Staff

This is the slender man, an ageless, godlike being from beyond the known universe, and a new inmate in the Empty City, GA penal system. The fun-loving eldritch abomination told the Eldritch Post staff that he never takes himself too seriously and loves to have a good time.

When it came time to take his mugshots upon his entry into the Georgia prison system, slendy wanted to do something that would make people laugh as well as capture the essence of his impossible-for-humans-to-comprehend personality.

The mugshots feature slendy doing his best music video impersonations...

...celebrating his accomplishments...

...and living his life to the, um, fullest.

The mugshots are certainly, um, unique.

Slendy was stoked about how his mugshots came out and shared a preview of them on his blog Slender Ran.

Some of the big parody accounts shared the photos and got a massive response.

Fanart has also sprung up.

Slendy said that the response was mostly positive apart from a few negative remarks mixed in. He jokingly added that he's gotten a few marriage proposals and has said yes to all of them.

He went on to say that he did mugshots this way just for fun, and that there's no deeper meaning intended. He plans to spend the next thousand years in prison and eventually wants to go back to the Black Forest.

Here's to prison life.

This Man Became Obsessed With A Terrifying Eldritch Abomination And Now They're BFFs

Archibald Engel
The Eldritch Post Staff

Meet Guy, a twenty-one year old from Alaska, and Blind Man, an eldritch terror from beyond the known universe. The godlike being was supposed to attack Guy and destroy his memories, but the two became inseparable instead.

"Guy just immediately became entranced by him," his younger brother, Billy, told Eldritch Post.

"He was just saying 'I'll be your proxy, I'll be your proxy,' and just wanted to conjure terror everywhere together."

And conjure terror everywhere, they did.

"He doesn't seem freaked out by him at all, even though he is clearly kind of beyond comprehension," said Billy.

"They're both roughly the same size, so they hold hands and run around together," he said.

"When I Skype with Guy, there's a blind guy staring at me, and who can clearly see me because he's an eldritch god-daemon, which is kind of creepy and ridiculous," Billy told reporters.

"Most people say 'that creature will kill everyone, I'm surprised Guy hangs out with it,'" said Billy.

Eldritch friends forever. <3

18 Pictures That Prove The Slender Man is Absolutely Doomed

Samuel Waterson
The Eldritch Feed Staff

Wow, can't the slender man go without his blog for ONE minute?

I mean, come ON.

Slendy these days.

He just can't get off his damn Runner blog.

Runners these days! It's all about blog this, blog that.

This slendy and his damn blog.

Maybe look up from your blog, thin fella.

Come on, slend! Don't blog and drive!

SMH.

Honestly sad to see eldritch terrors so addicted.

Hey you in the back! There's a Mythos going on!

This whole culture, just addicted to their blogs.

Can't Runners just enjoy the world around them?

Or watch the Mythos like adults?

What happened to taking IN a road trip rather than blogging the whole time!

Why can't slendys these days enjoy each other's company anymore?

I swear, this culture and their blogs.

It's just sad to see.

More Than 600 Proxies Had An Eldritch Party And It's The Spookiest Thing You'll See All Day

Samuel Waterson
The Eldritch Post Staff

The event took place in Empty City, IA; the proceeds went to the cost of bail for the slender man, who was apprehended in the Black Forest, Germany, by thirteen Camper in what was called the betrayal of the century.

Whole squads rolled up together.

Family members reunited.

And masks were worn.

The costume party was full of stars, including a Masky.

A totheark.

A Djay32.

And the winner, an Anathema with an emo fringe.

There was also a Which Canon is Best contest.

And a talent show.

Some Puppets even dressed up for the occasion.

There were proxies creating glitch-y videos.

And a proxy who tried to leave the city.

And a brave proxy on security detail.

Basically there were a lot of proxies.

It was the best day ever.

Until next time, proxies.